The elephant in the room

• By Mike King, founding ambassador, I Am Hope Foundation

Every now and then I come across a statistic that stops me in my tracks. Recently, I was
reading research on childhood sexual abuse and male survivors.

I expected the numbers to be confronting. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how large the problem appears to be.

One statistic suggested that approximately one in eight New Zealand men will experience sexual assault at some point in their lifetime. Let that sink in for a moment. One in eight. Then I came across another statistic.

Only 6.6 per cent of sexual assault offences are reported to police. If both of those figures are accurate, we’re looking at a problem that’s likely far larger than the official numbers suggest.

When we talk about sexual abuse in New Zealand, we quite rightly focus on women and girls. The scale of harm they experience is enormous and deserves every bit of attention it receives.

But in doing so, I wonder if we’ve unintentionally created the impression that boys and men are largely untouched by sexual violence.

The evidence suggests otherwise. Research indicates that around one in nine New Zealand boys experience sexual abuse before the age of fifteen.

The evidence suggests otherwise. Research indicates that around one in nine New Zealand boys experience sexual abuse before the age of fifteen.

This is not rare. This is happening in our communities, our schools, our sports clubs, and sometimes within our own families. Many male survivors never tell anyone.

Some disclose years later. Some wait decades. Many never disclose at all. Part of that is shame. Part of it is fear. Part of it is the belief that nobody will believe them. And part of it
comes from the messages boys receive from a very young age.

Be tough. Harden up. Get over it. Don’t show weakness.

Sexual abuse doesn’t disappear because someone refuses to talk about it. It often reappears later as depression, anxiety, anger, addiction, relationship problems, self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

One of the most heartbreaking statistics I found was that the majority of males under fourteen who die by suicide are reported to have a history of childhood sexual abuse.

Then ask yourself why we aren’t talking about this more. Perhaps because it makes us uncomfortable.

Perhaps because we still struggle to see boys and men as victims. Whatever the reason, silence has never solved a problem.

If one in eight New Zealand men experiences sexual assault in their lifetime, then almost
all of us know someone affected by it. A friend, a brother, a son, a workmate. Maybe even ourselves.

The challenge isn’t simply acknowledging the statistics. It’s creating a society where boys and men feel safe enough to tell the truth about what happened to them. Because we can’t solve a problem that we’re too afraid to see.

Under 25 and need someone to talk to? Book a free counsellor at gumbootfriday.org.nz – no GP referral needed.