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Join Holly as she searches Auckland for love and connection.
In which Holly questions her new beau.
The Bulgarian is away on business. I’ve recently given up Mr Perfect, and my other comets are busy surviving what’s left of America.
So, Reader, I’ve been casually dating.
Along came an interesting man. We’ll call him New Cutie.
It’s back to the early stage of courtship, which I enjoy – even while acknowledging how emotionally stressful it can be — time to start asking questions.
The first few dates for many people are about discerning three things:
Do I feel safe and respected with you?
Is there a mutual attraction?
Do we have interesting conversations?
In my world of dating, communication is everything. So that I’m not messing anyone around, I usually let someone know right away that I’m non-monogamous and make it clear that I practise safer sex.
Then, I tell them they’re welcome to ask any questions they like, whenever they’re ready, and leave it at that.
Beyond that, however, I think questions are really important at this early stage.
Now that New Cutie and I are at date number five, we’re beyond the small talk about our favourite travel spots and how many siblings we have.
Now, the really interesting cards get put on the table.
So far, he’s played his cards close to his chest. I’m not exactly doodling “Holly & New Cutie 4eva” in hearts inside my notebooks, or cutting him a key, but time is precious.
If we’re going to continue spending it together and pair up as winter snuggle-buddies, we’re going to have to dig a bit deeper.
How do our values, priorities and communication styles fit together?
What do we need from each other to feel secure in growing our connection?
If it doesn’t grow as we’d like it to, how will we uncouple on good terms?
Perhaps I lost you, Reader, on that last one.
For many people, talking about the end of a relationship at the beginning is like saying “Macbeth” in a theatre.
Personally, I think acknowledging that not all connections last is simply realistic.
In a way, it even reminds us to make the most of our time together and to respect each other even when things go wrong.
It’s a way to acknowledge that we had worth as independent people before we met each other and will still do so after parting.
Write to me, Reader (or shout out on Times social media) and let me know: What are the most essential questions to ask each other when you’re just starting out?
Email holly@times.co.nz
Yours in love,
Holly
