Holly makes a list

• Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.

In which Holly makes a list.

Those of us who are open to love often have a wish list.

If certain social media pundits were to be believed, my wish list would be the same as all other women. It would prioritise height and other physical attributes, as well as income.

I call boohockey. I’m not that shallow, nor are most people I know, regardless of their gender.

In fairness, Reader, I’ve shared with you my penchant for unbearded, cheerful fishermen, and I have many single friends who admit to having a “type” – a liking for certain physical characteristics, lifestyle choices or personality traits.

For most people, these are no more than preferences. If the right person came along, the list would go out the window.

Then again, there’s the case of my friend’s brother, who is desperate to find “the one”.

He insists that to be his “type” a woman must be petite, with long, blonde hair and a bubbly personality.

She must be a morning person and can’t have a foreign accent, be vegan, a teetotaller, or a bookworm. She must share his love of politics and motorsport.

He’s found women who ticked every arbitrary box and dated them for a few months each.

How’s it working for him so far? Well… he’s 54, and still single. His very specific vision of the perfect mate doesn’t leave any room for surprises, or make space for these women, as whole people, in his life. So, inevitably, they leave.

Perhaps, we could be more evidence-based in our pursuit of happy relationships, by seeking out what we already know works for us.

Who do I love, and what do I love about them?

For me, shared humour is one. I know this works for me because of the inside jokes I enjoy with my bestie.

Some of the most gratifying moments of platonic intimacy happen when we hear some innocuous word and both burst out laughing, sometimes to the surprise and confusion of those around us.

I know that being challenged (kindly) works for me, because I value that in one of my lovers.

There’s loyalty and a laidback attitude – traits I respect in my siblings.

These are the qualities that I know, for certain, help me create happy, sustainable relationships, so I’ve got them on my list. Then, I’ve left some room at the bottom, for surprises.

How’s your list looking?

Email holly@times.co.nz

Yours in love,

Holly