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- By MIKE KING, founding ambassador, I Am Hope Foundation
In my line of work, I hear a lot of things that concern me. Young people who feel worthless.
Parents who don’t know how to help. Teachers watching children carry burdens far heavier than they should. But there’s one sentence I hear over and over again that worries me more than most: “They’re just doing it for attention.” It sounds harmless, and most people who say it aren’t trying to be cruel.
The problem is that we use it to dismiss someone’s pain rather than understand it. Once we label someone an attention seeker, we give ourselves permission to stop asking what might actually be driving their behaviour.
Think about it. If a child breaks their arm and cries, we don’t accuse them of wanting attention. We recognise that something is wrong and respond. Yet emotional pain is different.
A teenager starts acting out, posts something concerning online, talks about self-harm or becomes disruptive at school, and suddenly we hear: “They’re just doing it for attention.”
But what’s so wrong with wanting attention? Every one of us seeks it. Children need comfort and reassurance. Adults seek approval from friends, family and colleagues.
We share our successes and tell our stories because human beings are wired for connection. We all need to know that somebody sees us, hears us and believes we matter.
So, when a young person desperately seeks attention, perhaps the question shouldn’t be: “How do we stop this behaviour?” Perhaps it should be, “What are they trying to tell us?”
Through Gumboot Friday, I’ve spoken to thousands of young people. I’ve met plenty who felt invisible, unheard or simply didn’t have the words to explain what was happening inside them.
Many had tried being quiet, coping alone and pretending everything was okay. Sometimes what we call attention seeking is what happens when everything else has failed.
That doesn’t mean every behaviour is acceptable or that boundaries disappear. It means we should be curious before we are judgemental.
The disruptive child may have chaos at home. The angry teenager may be terrified or lonely. The concerning social media post may be someone desperately hoping another person notices.
When we dismiss people as attention seekers, we stop looking for the reason behind their behaviour. And when we stop looking, we stop listening.
That’s why “They’re just doing it for attention” may be one of the most dangerous sentences in New Zealand. Sometimes the attention
they’re seeking isn’t the problem. It’s the solution.
What looks like a cry for attention may actually be a cry for help.
Under 25 and need someone to talk to? Book a free counsellor at gumbootfriday.org.nz – no GP referral needed
